I see myself growing weary in my old age, I can no longer stand the vast majority of people around me, I want to pack up and move, leave, sell everything I currently possess, save for some clothes and my bed, and head off to major city where I can become lost in the chaos. As each day passes I have fewer and fewer interests I’m vested in here.

It’s not so much that I don’t like the lot of you, it’s more that I’ve matured, mentally, emotionally, and I can’t stand these kid games that you all still play. At some point you all have to grow up, cease with the binge drinking, self-medicating, and hypocrisy. If you can’t go out and have a drink or two at a bar with friends, maybe some intelligent conversation, then chances are you haven’t seen me in a while. Sure, just like anyone else, I get completely obliterated occasionally because I, like you, like the feeling of no feeling, the lack of control you have over anything and everything at that point, and the freedom you feel, but in case you missed it, I said “occasionally”, which doesn’t translate to 3-4 times a week, it’s more like 3-4 times a year. I have shit to do, people I enjoy being around sober, I can’t be running around half drunk, high, or both all the time, it’s just fucking irresponsible. If one of you called me and said, “Hey, let’s go have a drink or two and chat!” I’d be all over that, but when you say “let’s go to the bar” and that almost always translates into drunken states, no, I don’t want to fucking go, plus I can’t stand being surrounded by fucking stupid people, where every single word out of their mouths is just another effort at getting laid.

Also, if sex has become your primary drive for anything you do, you’re doing it wrong. When we are at the point where we’ve devolved back into our considerably less industrious predecessors, where drinking, smoking, fucking, and fighting are considered ways of life, then we need a change. It’s no wonder the U.S.A.’s economy is in shambles, we aren’t inventing anything new, so when we started moving what we considered outdated productions process’ out of the country and nothing new was taking its place, it’s because the potential inventor was too busy bumping and grinding with Sally Noclothes down at the local “club” to the latest Gorilla Zoe song, “I’m Dumb”. Yes, yes you are. Sure, I’m far from the most industrious person, or the most inventive, but I’m learning, I research shit online, look up new technologies, new terminology, I sit at home and try new shit on my computer all the time, so I’m not sitting idle, and I’m not spending every other day at the bar because I believe the lie that I have friends there, and it is a lie, they are just people using each other, if you were in the hospital, at best they might notice your absence, that’s all.

I can give reason after reason why I still don’t have a job using my degree, but the bottom line is that currently, you, my friends and family, are more important to me than such a job, but that becomes less and less the case each and every day I spend hanging out with myself. Sure, I could call each and every one of you each time I have some free time, but you motherfucks have phones too and I haven’t heard my phone ring in a long ass fucking time. I miss and love all of you, and I wish you well, but most of all, I wish you better…

So here is the update, I am still working at walmart, got in touch with my half brother again, and there is some news on the iPhone front.

I know that the first two facts were probably more important, but I care more about the third one than I do the first two. So, iPhone OS 3.0 came out on the 17th, I’ve installed it on my iPhone 3G because my broke ass couldn’t afford the new iPhone 3GS, anyways, I love the new OS, even moreso I would love it if AT&T would get off their lazy fucking asses and let us have the other two features, tethering and mms! Anyways, enough of that rant and more about what I love about the new OS, such as copy and paste, the new spotlight search function, the voice notes app, an there were a few other things too, but the one I like the most, A2DP Bluetooth support so I can finally use my Bluetooth headphones without some stupid fucking adapter!

Also, I’m trying out some new apps, like this official WordPress app, instead of the shitty apps I’ve tried that had “wordpress support”, anyways, that’s all I’ve got for now…

Here’s a little preface, I am a fan of a Hip-Hop Artist, no, not that gangsta rap bullshit, real hip-hop, by the name of Brother Ali, his music has changed my perspective on life in ways I thought only the authors of literary classics could. He is fairly religious as well as being a Hip-Hop artist, and sometimes that really comes out in his music, this is a short letter I just wrote to him, I thought I’d share it with you all…

“What Language do you laugh in?”

I have no clue how you meant this, but I am a huge fan, and this phrase hit me really hard, mainly from a religious angle, I seem to have lost my way, I can no longer contribute to the church(es) I normally attend because as an institution they are failing at their religious responsibilities! The most recent church I attended was a catholic one, while I was still in high school, I went to CCD (religious education for the youth of the church) had my first communion, my first confession, got baptized for the first time, and even got confirmed once I became an adult in the eyes of the church. Then all the corruption started seething from the catholic church and made me question my faith, my religion, my core values, and even whether I believed there was a god at all.

I am still searching, looking for myself and not relying on any church to form my beliefs, but your music, your lyrics, the things you’ve been through, I can’t even say that I can relate to any of them, but they give me hope that there is in fact something bigger, badder, and stronger than me looking out for all our best interests. Back to the lyric I quoted above, one of the things I am seeing more and more as I research different religions and opposing opinions of them, is that at the very core they are trying to do the same thing, make better, more civilized people, give them hope, and guide them on a path of righteousness, it tends to be the institution that messes that up somehow, the religious leadership everywhere I look tend to be more crooked than criminals.

I think when I’m done searching, I’m going to give Islam a try, Allah seems like a pretty straight up guy, and I like that, as for everyone else, I’m just going to do like you said, “I just do what the Qu’ran says to do and respect him”.

Thanks for listening, and if you’ve got anything to help me on my religious journey, I assure you it would be much appreciated, in the meantime, please just keep making music the way you do, regardless of what the detractors have to say

As-Salumu Alaykum,

James Allan Brady

So a couple big things have happened since my last post, the most important one is that I finally got in touch with my half brother again, that honestly made my day, week, month, maybe even year, I missed that squirrely fucker dearly. The second, which sadly wasn’t much of a surprise, Shawnda is now my ex again, she still drives me fucking crazy and I still love her, but I guess even she realized that until I could have the number one spot on her list of priorities it just wasn’t going to work out. When stupid things such as the bar, her drug addict friends, drugs, and promiscuity all ranked higher than me it just wasn’t going to work out, tack onto that her lack of a permanent residence, the constant battle she is having with her ex-husband regarding her kids, her hefty drug/alcohol addiction, and her impending jail sentence and I can begin to understand why she didn’t think she could let me be number one, but if she had at least given me/us a chance and tried to make it work I would have been right by her side trying to fix/mend/prevent everything else negative in her life. Oh well, it’s her loss, well, that’s the update for the day.

Lots of shit popping in my life these days. First off I am going out with the woman that drives me fucking insane again, with the intent to marry her at some point in the near future this time. Call me a fucking idiot if you want, but I love this woman and can’t get over her, ever.

Second, I got an interview with Walmart two Fridays ago with a subsequent job offer to be a part time cashier at $8 an hour. I accepted, started training the following Tuesday and just started actually running the register the Monday after that, A.K.A. last night. So far I like my chances of success at this job and I like the possibility for advancement within the company. Basically I like it here and until such a time as I am able to find a job in IT or a significantly better paying job I see myself staying here.

Third, I’m extremely saddened by this, I’ve become so distanced from my best friends that we almost never hang out. I remember once upon a time alex, christina and I would spend every weekend hanging out or going to Lafayette, and then we’d spend 3 out of 5 weekday afternoons hanging out. Then there are the times where David, josh, brandon, phil, and I would all hang out for what seemed like days at a time having the time of our lives.

At least with all my friends from high school I know why we drifted apart. I want to know why Alex and Christina have become so distant?

Anyways, things seem mostly good because I’m an optimist, but after writing it, it seems far more daunting, we’ll see how things play out

Damn man, been awhile since my last post, so I guess it’s time to spin some tales regarding life, lunacy, and the pursuit of happiness.

First off I should say that things are making sense in a way they never have before. For years I never felt like I was part of anything. I was always somehow a step removed from the group, and it hurt. This was something I’ve only recently been able to understand and articulate. I finally feel like I’ve found a place where I not only belong, but where I can be whatever the fuck I want without fear of reprisal. There are still twinges of that pain, but it is nowhere near the level it used to be. I wish I could have told you all how I was feeling, but being on the outside looking in made that impossible.

Secondly, I am doing what I always dreamed of. I have helped build my company from the ground up, and it’s mine. Well, ok, I’m a minority partner with a friend owning majority control, but either way, I have built something that isn’t just for the benefit of someone else. It’s been a rough road, but this is possibly the most rewarding thing I have ever been a part of.

On a sad note, I have decided to lay the Buick to rest. She was a solid car for 6 years and well over 120,000 miles that I put on her, but now I simply cannot justify the money that would be required to make her safe to drive. Once the title gets here from Indiana, I will be calling for the flatbed to carry her away to her final resting place. I’ve got to say that I will sincerely miss her.

I’m currently rolling around in a 1994 Mercury Grand Marquis, and I’m quickly falling in love with this car. First off, for those who haven’t ever had the pleasure of driving one, these things are huge. And being so huge has the advantage of meaning it needs a lot of power. Hello 4.6 litres of V8 goodness. When it comes to quality, well, let’s just say there’s a reason these beasties are used for squad cars.

Speaking of squad cars, I can now tell the world about a situation that I have kept mostly under wraps since it happened. When I was 19, I got busted speeding coming home to Crawfordsville from Terre Haute. This ticket caused a snowball that ended in me having my license suspended due to non-payment, and failure to comply with DDC (defensive driving). I then proceed to get busted driving while suspended. Fuck me, right? Well, I have finally layed my demons to rest, and have not only paid off all my fines, but have gotten my license reinstated. Just think, I was cruising around for 3 and a half years super illegally.

Let’s see… what else… OH! Yeah! So, I’m still going strong in my relationship with Nikki. Amazing how shit works out, it’s been damn near 8 years, and she is still my lover and my best friend.  We’re currently living with her mom until my company is generating enough income for us to move out. At the rate we’re growing, that won’t be much longer.

So, I’m thinking I’m going to wrap this up, as I am rapidly running out of things to write about. I’m sure I’m missing something, but oh well. If I think of it, I’ll spin it out here when I remember.

Peace out kids!

So yesterday I went over to my friend Christina’s house and hung out with her and her cousin Carrie, mainly to see Christina’s new dog, it is a mix breed of a weird sort, it is a Jack Russel Terrier and Weiner Dog mix I believe. It’s a female, named Temperance (after Doctor Temperance Brennan from Bones) Lydia Crouch. Anyways, we hung out at her house, watched some TV there, while playing with both her new dog and Carrie’s old dog, Angel I believe, it was fun.

Continue reading ‘Merry-Go-Rounds and Orange Fingernail Polish’

HOLY SHITE! 

It’s been awhile guys, I am truly sorry for not posting anything on here.I have been completely dead busy with my music and school that it has damn near absorbed my life. I really am going to try to make my posts on here a bit more frequent but if I don’t, at least now you know why. Lately, I have been playing drums for a “junkyard band” of sorts at rumors bar and grill here in good ol’ Crawfordsville. Technically it is an open mic night so we have people switching out all of the time, but in the end it is our band that brings the house down. 

This sunday however could very well be the start of a larger music career for myself. I am going to jam/practice with deuces wild, featuring the cousin of one of my best friends on lead guitar. Deuces wild plays a lot of heavy metal and harder rock so I know that this kind of music is going to fit right in with what I want to do with my life. I guess it doesn’t really help that I am EXTREMELY nervous and I am worried about fucking up bad enough that he is all like dude, get out..

I really hope that I can impress these guys and join their band! so please, send a prayer my way…or a beer…whatever you like

“Not “Exactly.” like you don’t do anything, but “Exactly?” like what exactly do you do?” - P.O.S.

I couldn’t really figure out a great way to preface this post, but that seemed fitting. Anyways, occasionally I fill out one of those stupid surveys on MySpace, only this time my answers surprised me so much that I decided it warranted posting on here too, so here it is, after the jump, so that those of you choosing to skip this one can…

Continue reading ‘What do you do? Exactly’

Here I sit all broken hearted, came to drink but got fucking carded, I may be 21, but at this rate, drinking is out of the question, I’m a goddamned beer drinker and I’m so broke I’ve resorted to drinking the last bottle of Barefoot wine I’ve got, P.S. I wouldn’t recommend their Sauvignon Blanc; I bought a six pack of PBR with the last of my money the other day. How the fuck did I so quickly go from drinking stuff that’s upwards of $17 a bottle and now I’m drinking shit that’s $3.49+tax for a chilled six pack of cans? Its all good though, I’ve still got friends, family, and known associates, not to mooch alcohol off of, but to keep me entertained so I won’t crave alcohol just for an altered state of mind.

How much of a hypocrite would I be if I needed alcohol to keep my sanity while I’m dogging my ex to get clean and quit going to the bar so much? It’s almost sad the destructive lifestyle she’s leading these days, but I think she finally knows that I’ll be here for her regardless, all the rest of her friends and family have either abandoned her or are just using her, I honestly think it’d be a lot easier for her to quit if she had a better support system, at least a broader one than me and her brother Josh. So if any of you out there have a friend or family member who is using drugs or alcohol too much, or at all, just stand by them regardless and make sure they know you are there for them whether it’s to hang out at the park or drive them to the hospital because they overdosed, what motivation do addicts have to quit if they don’t have people who care about them?

To any of you out there reading this, if you need a friend, a stranger, just someone to talk to, I’m here, and I’m a hell of a listener, I’ve been to those NA and AA meetings, I know what drugs can do to a person, a family, etc. I’ve never used myself, but I was one of the two motivations for my parents to finally quit, and I went through every minute of that hell right by their side so I know how hard it is, and how much you have to push. There were days when it looked like death would have been a more comfortable state for my father, but he made it out the other side, so no matter how hard it seems, quitting is possible.