I see you girl,
Moving from bed to bed
Still can’t find the right fit
No Sealy sleep pad
No memory foam
They don’t remember you.
And after you leave, neither do you

Your like a princess, and the pea
You keep stacking up the beds, hoping that
Some amount of padding will save you from the pain, oh the pain…
But it won’t, you can’t cushion a hard break
There’s no way to soften a rough fall…

Some day you’ll find your way
Off that high horse, and you can
Stand in the shit with the rest
We’re all working a shovel,
Trying to find a way out

Your best means of escape is on your
Back, like a possum playing dead
Just trying to be ignored, I’m sure
If you keep trying, one day you’ll fade away

So there’s this guy I know, let’s call him Mario for this instance. Regardless what you call him, he’s a chemistry teacher, he’s half Jordanian, he was baptized in the river Jordan, and yet for some reason, he thinks the most interesting thing about him is a patch of facial hair on his upper lip.

I have another friend that is physically closer, similar mindset though, he has a good job (about $60k a year, which for Crawfordsville, IN is damned good), a bright red sports car (A 2004 Pontiac GTO which he bought brand new), and his own house (technically it’s a mansion that was converted into 5 apartments, all of which he owns, well, pays the mortgage on, and one of which he resides ing) and he thinks this is sufficient to get him laid.

It is not, and here is why: you need to be interesting and capable of communication on a personal level before you’ll ever make with the physical sans some sort of financial transaction.

So there it is, that’s my opinion…

Dessa, one of my favorite artists, recently released a new album, it’s called “A Badly Broken Code”, it’s amazing. Anyways, on it, there is a song titled “Mineshaft II”. It starts out, “15 years from tonight you have to make a decision, the greatest love of your life is gonna call during dinner, from the home of the girl he’s living with now……”, then the man in the song proceeds to ask her (Dessa) for forgiveness.

“Forgiveness is huge…” as the song says, which is oh so true. I’m sitting here now, and I realize that I’m quite the forgiving person; in fact, there are only two people I still hold a grudge against. The most fucked up part about it is that I like to call these two people “mom” and “dad”. I simply cannot bring myself to truly forgive them for the shit they put each other through, the shit they put me through, and most importantly, the shit they put my sister through about 10 years ago. The shit I witnessed, the things I was manipulated into believing as a kid by my manipulative father and equally manipulative mother, the things I said and did to each of them myself as a product of feeling… lost, alone, I still can’t to this day even explain how that whole fucking mess made me feel. I should probably see a psychiatrist, lord knows that’s definitely when my issues started, the reason I am the man I am today, and absolutely the reason why taking relationship advice from either of my parents is abso-fucking-lutely something I will never do.

I won’t go into details what happened, but the fact that one or both of them aren’t either in prison or in a mental institution is fucking amazing to me, even to this day. Furthermore, the fact that both of them are still together, well, those of you that have seen them together can attest to the miracle that is….

Anyways, just thought I’d share…

If I sit and wish
In one hand and
Then squat and
Shit in the other…

The latter might
Get warm and full
But the hunger,
Oh the hunger…

Only to satiate
Never to give up
Never to hate
On the one hand…

On the one hand
Which once seemed
Empty and desolate
Will reside them…

They that will be
The friends and aquaintances
The lovers and family
Carrying my belongings

A peddled suitcase
Filled with hopes,
Dreams, and the wishes
That make it seem…

Appear like I’ve lost
But all I ever needed
Was the contents
Of the once empty hand…

The things which make
It seem like maybe
That pile of shit
Is worth fighting for….

It’s time for a change in my life, my physical appearance, my vehicle, my job, my living arrangement, who I am as a person, something’s going to change in the next year, and in the first part of it. Living the way I have is simply insufficient, dull, and dumb. It seems I’ve given up on everything. I’ve given up on ever getting a better job, on ever moving out of my parents house, of ever having any self esteem or confidence, of ever looking at myself in the mirror and thinking for one second I’m attractive, even to just myself, I’ve given up.

My drive for a better life has fallen to the wayside due largely to the seemingly insurmountable challenges piled up in front of all the obstacles. I’m not depressed, I actually seem quite happy with what is in my opinion less than mediocrity, which is somewhat depressing, if that makes any sense.

I can no longer be the person I am, I thought I was living this life to be close to my friends and family, but I’m down to about 1.5 friends and my family has even grown weary of my presence at some times, so its time to start looking out for numero uno and see where that gets me. I’m going to update my resume and start pushing it out everywhere, factories, businesses, etc.

Even if all I can get is another part time job and I have to balance the two in order to improve my life, I’ll take it. Anything better than what I’ve got now, I need something, anything to give me more confidence, I need more friends, I need a girl, I need someone, anyone to love me and let me love them.

You can see how this list can go on, but the year for improvement, or at least really trying for it is 2010, so let this shit commence.

So lately, there has been a lot of talk about the world as we know it coming to an end. There are a lot of people with this evidence and that evidence, Nostradamus this, Mayan calendar that.

Here’s my take on it.

There are two potential outcomes when it comes to this.

1.) It’s not true. If this is the case, then it’s just bullshit and not something to spend and time worrying about.

2.) It is true. If this is the case, then it is inevitable, and is not something you can control, and therefore is not something to spend any time worrying about. Simply enjoy the time you are given.

Why then is everyone freaking out?

Edit: Just thought it should be noted that I was indeed smashed on rum when I wrote this.

Then you’d be in a different place tomorrow, today, and for the rest of your life.

Enough philosophy, its been a long time, and thus its time for an update. First off, I am still working at Walmart and I’m still just a lowly cashier. Second, on a happier note, my birthday party as hosted by christina and family on the Friday before was awesome as was the one the following Tuesday with Josh Miller, Alex, and Quentin Tarantino. Third, I’m still bored as fuck most of the time I’m not at work or sleeping so to fill my time this past week, I’ve read the Twilight Saga, that’s right, four big ass books in 5 days (actually a little less, but I couldn’t recall the exact time I started reading so I rounded up), so that was a colossal waste of time, but they were good books and I enjoyed them thoroughly until they ended, and then I was sad, not because of the ending, but because I had to leave that fantasy world that had enveloped me, allowed me to escape from my own boring, dull existence, and had to return back to real life.

Anyways, another quick update, you can, or within a few minutes, will be able to go here http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=jimmothy86%40gmail.com&ctz=America/New_York and see my schedule, I add my work schedule and any other new events that I’m planning on doing that I think I might forget, so if I told you I’d hang and it doesn’t wind up on the calender, don’t fret, its just a bit of a pain to add stuff and that’s why I only do it for stuff I’m likely to forget. This is coming about because I decided to install Windows 7 alongside Windows XP (the OS that my iPhone is currently synced with) and it turns out I like 7 more. Couple that with the fact that iPhone OS 3.1 came out today as well as a new version of iTunes and its kind of forced my hand to redo my iPhone, so as a benefit, I’m making my schedule public.

I don’t think I have much to add, other than if you have a way for me to change what I’m doing, as in with my life or my career, please, please contact me by leaving a comment here, suggestions are welcome until I’m content, and I am not content right now, because “we all save face in the face of our friends, we all bend backwards to make amends, and all make changes that change us cause living with the self hate just won’t do!”

“It’s the caffeine, nicotine, the miligrams of tar, its my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, its my car…” – Atmosphere

That’s a quote from a song called Scapegoat, the whole song is about shit you can blame, which is precisely the name of the game I’ve been trying not to play on here. The reason I try and avoid the blame game when it comes to my problems, is because I like to think that they’re my problems, I have control over them, and the ability to fix them should I so choose, which is mostly right. But there comes a point where no matter how fucking hard you try, how much effort you put in, how many dues you’ve paid, nor how many rites of passage you’ve been through, you still can’t change a goddamned thing in your life.

However, if I did have to choose one thing to blame my problems on? It would still be myself, if I wasn’t such a lazy worthless piece of shit I might have a better education, a better job, a better life. Maybe if I had some goddamned drive in my life I’d have the things I want and be doing the things I want to. But, that’s not the case, and until I change that, I have a feeling shit’s not going to change for me anytime soon.

Worse yet is when you can, but you do it in the worse way, or for the wrong fucking reasons. Don’t deal drugs because, “you’re on the grind”, or “tryin’ to feed my family”, that’s bullshit, there are other ways to do you, to be on the grind, hustlin’, but in a way that can better your future, not in a way that’s going to lead to violence, jail time, and possibly death, then who’s going to look out for your fucking kids? Huh? Also, you probably shouldn’t be moving to another city just to escape, deal with your problems, running away is just going to bring that shit back around at a later date when you’re even less prepared to deal with it.

All I’m saying, is that you’ve got to keep trying, stay up, and not to sound chauvenistic, but be a man, handle your shit, and do all that in the right way. Sure, life’s going to be hard, and its probably going to suck, but when it comes to an end and you and yours have survived, and done so the right way, the honest way, you won’t have anything to regret and you’ll be able to rest your weary eyes in peace. No one will be able to blame that on anyone else but you…

Then make cheap wine! At least that’s what they tell you to do, but in order to make cheap wine you still need a barrel, some water, and a place for it to ferment for a while, a safe place, and trust me, life doest always give you that shit. But me, I’ve been pretty blessed, I’ve been given water, a barrel, and a safe place to ferment and sure enough, cheap ass nasty fucking mad dog 20/20 type shit is what came out the other end.

That’s to say my most valued skill right now is counting people’s money, not mine, it goes about as quick as it comes, but I count other people’s all day long, and that seems to be the only thing I have to offer that todays society desires.

My hope is that if I’m allowed to ferment for a little longer, maybe I’ll be able to produce a more flavorful, valuable wine, without too many tannins, we’ll see, but one can hope that if I keep playing my part for now, and looking for a better part to play, that I’ll find it, and I’ll give society something more than they ask for…

When you were a kid your parents used to always tell you “we’ll see”. As a kid you knew they meant “no”, but it was supposed to give you hope, like as if it was a possibility, and you did hope, you cleaned your room, did the dishes, whatever it took to hopefully convince your parents that you should get whatever it was that you wanted, even though in your parents mind, it was already a no go.

As an adult, you work your ass off, get a good education, do some community service, avoid drug abuse, and even steer clear of problems with the law, all hoping to get your way in life. A good job, a nice family, a nice car, a nice house, some money in the bank account, and maybe, just maybe, some good friends.

An then you begin to venture out in the real world and quickly realize, life has given you a big “we’ll see”. So if you ask me when I’m going to make something of myself, my answer will be, “we’ll see” because not only do I not know, but I don’t care, “make money and die, that’s the American way”, I’m just ignoring the badge the rest of the world puts on my post in life, be it a lawyer or a cashier at walmart, it all ends the same and the level of enjoyment is totally on me, and I gotta say, I’m having a blast most of the time, thanks to all of you.