I worry about these people as well because they were once a very big part of my life, and now I can’t be bothered to answer their calls or respond to their texts. Is it because I didn’t try hard enough? Is it because they didn’t try hard enough? Or is anyone at fault? Regardless of the how, why, or who, what can I do to let them know that we won’t likely be spending as much time hanging out, and that its not because I don’t like them, they just no longer have anything to offer that I consider even moderately interesting? How do I tell some of them that what they are doing in their own lives is toxic, and that I quit hanging out with them because I don’t need that shit in my life?

Really, fighting with your kids, wife, and the rest of your family is a good life to you? I don’t want to have to come over to hang out and have to listen to you yell at your kids and wife for a half hour, I don’t need that shit and I forgot to pack my armor/HAZMAT suit. Oh, you’re doing drugs and becoming an alcoholic now? Since when did you get a prescription pad and decide to start self-medicating because you’re too lazy to fix your life?

In this life, if you’re not willing to work a shovel then you should have to sit and wallow in that shit. If you need me, you know where I’ll be, and I’m more than willing to don a pair of boots and gloves and help you remove that shit from your life, but it’s on you to make the change.

This isn’t to all of you, most of you I’m cool with, but if you think this is towards you, well then, to some extent in might be, but don’t take it personal and get all defensive and whiny, fucking fix your shit, I’m working on fixing mine cause I know I’m not perfect, and some of you have been a big part in that, and for that I thank you. But most importantly, remember that I love all of you, and wish you nothing but the best, a brighter day tomorrow, a new piece of your puzzle to finally fit in its place, but the sun isn’t as bright without the rain before, so stay up, and do your thing.

That’s right; I was able to quit Walmart last night because I start my new job at Acuity Brands lighting on Tuesday at eight in the morning. I’ve got my safety glasses, done the medical paperwork, had my blood pressure and heart rate checked (130/70 and 76bpm in case you’re curious) and my drug test has already come back negative. The only thing they say they are waiting on is the background check, and since the only thing on my record is a seatbelt violation from like 7 years ago, I think I’m good to go on that.

It’ll be $11.12 an hour starting out, 40+ hours a week, working 6am-3:30pm, weekends off, it’s pretty great. I think that with this job I’ll be able to accomplish all of my goals/resolutions for this year, and OkCupid combined with a better attitude towards people, and higher level of social interaction should accomplish the rest. I figure at the very least I’ll meet some awesome people on there, if not start a new, more personal, healthier relationship.

Things are coming together quite nicely and I’ve got no one to thank but myself, and maybe Lithonia, as well as my friends and family for being there with me through thick and thin, you guys fucking rock and have no idea how much that shit means to me, I love you all.

So here’s to the future and hoping it brings me everything I need and most of what I want!

Your like a princess, and the pea
You keep stacking up the beds, hoping that
Some amount of padding will save you from the pain, oh the pain…
But it won’t, you can’t cushion a hard break
There’s no way to soften a rough fall…

Some day you’ll find your way
Off that high horse, and you can
Stand in the shit with the rest
We’re all working a shovel,
Trying to find a way out

Your best means of escape is on your
Back, like a possum playing dead
Just trying to be ignored, I’m sure
If you keep trying, one day you’ll fade away

I have another friend that is physically closer, similar mindset though, he has a good job (about $60k a year, which for Crawfordsville, IN is damned good), a bright red sports car (A 2004 Pontiac GTO which he bought brand new), and his own house (technically it’s a mansion that was converted into 5 apartments, all of which he owns, well, pays the mortgage on, and one of which he resides ing) and he thinks this is sufficient to get him laid.

It is not, and here is why: you need to be interesting and capable of communication on a personal level before you’ll ever make with the physical sans some sort of financial transaction.

So there it is, that’s my opinion…

“Forgiveness is huge…” as the song says, which is oh so true. I’m sitting here now, and I realize that I’m quite the forgiving person; in fact, there are only two people I still hold a grudge against. The most fucked up part about it is that I like to call these two people “mom” and “dad”. I simply cannot bring myself to truly forgive them for the shit they put each other through, the shit they put me through, and most importantly, the shit they put my sister through about 10 years ago. The shit I witnessed, the things I was manipulated into believing as a kid by my manipulative father and equally manipulative mother, the things I said and did to each of them myself as a product of feeling… lost, alone, I still can’t to this day even explain how that whole fucking mess made me feel. I should probably see a psychiatrist, lord knows that’s definitely when my issues started, the reason I am the man I am today, and absolutely the reason why taking relationship advice from either of my parents is abso-fucking-lutely something I will never do.

I won’t go into details what happened, but the fact that one or both of them aren’t either in prison or in a mental institution is fucking amazing to me, even to this day. Furthermore, the fact that both of them are still together, well, those of you that have seen them together can attest to the miracle that is….

Anyways, just thought I’d share…

The latter might
Get warm and full
But the hunger,
Oh the hunger…

Only to satiate
Never to give up
Never to hate
On the one hand…

On the one hand
Which once seemed
Empty and desolate
Will reside them…

They that will be
The friends and aquaintances
The lovers and family
Carrying my belongings

A peddled suitcase
Filled with hopes,
Dreams, and the wishes
That make it seem…

Appear like I’ve lost
But all I ever needed
Was the contents
Of the once empty hand…

The things which make
It seem like maybe
That pile of shit
Is worth fighting for….

My drive for a better life has fallen to the wayside due largely to the seemingly insurmountable challenges piled up in front of all the obstacles. I’m not depressed, I actually seem quite happy with what is in my opinion less than mediocrity, which is somewhat depressing, if that makes any sense.

I can no longer be the person I am, I thought I was living this life to be close to my friends and family, but I’m down to about 1.5 friends and my family has even grown weary of my presence at some times, so its time to start looking out for numero uno and see where that gets me. I’m going to update my resume and start pushing it out everywhere, factories, businesses, etc.

Even if all I can get is another part time job and I have to balance the two in order to improve my life, I’ll take it. Anything better than what I’ve got now, I need something, anything to give me more confidence, I need more friends, I need a girl, I need someone, anyone to love me and let me love them.

You can see how this list can go on, but the year for improvement, or at least really trying for it is 2010, so let this shit commence.

Here’s my take on it.

There are two potential outcomes when it comes to this.

1.) It’s not true. If this is the case, then it’s just bullshit and not something to spend and time worrying about.

2.) It is true. If this is the case, then it is inevitable, and is not something you can control, and therefore is not something to spend any time worrying about. Simply enjoy the time you are given.

Why then is everyone freaking out?

Edit: Just thought it should be noted that I was indeed smashed on rum when I wrote this.