Then you’d be in a different place tomorrow, today, and for the rest of your life.

Enough philosophy, its been a long time, and thus its time for an update. First off, I am still working at Walmart and I’m still just a lowly cashier. Second, on a happier note, my birthday party as hosted by christina and family on the Friday before was awesome as was the one the following Tuesday with Josh Miller, Alex, and Quentin Tarantino. Third, I’m still bored as fuck most of the time I’m not at work or sleeping so to fill my time this past week, I’ve read the Twilight Saga, that’s right, four big ass books in 5 days (actually a little less, but I couldn’t recall the exact time I started reading so I rounded up), so that was a colossal waste of time, but they were good books and I enjoyed them thoroughly until they ended, and then I was sad, not because of the ending, but because I had to leave that fantasy world that had enveloped me, allowed me to escape from my own boring, dull existence, and had to return back to real life.

Anyways, another quick update, you can, or within a few minutes, will be able to go here http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=jimmothy86%40gmail.com&ctz=America/New_York and see my schedule, I add my work schedule and any other new events that I’m planning on doing that I think I might forget, so if I told you I’d hang and it doesn’t wind up on the calender, don’t fret, its just a bit of a pain to add stuff and that’s why I only do it for stuff I’m likely to forget. This is coming about because I decided to install Windows 7 alongside Windows XP (the OS that my iPhone is currently synced with) and it turns out I like 7 more. Couple that with the fact that iPhone OS 3.1 came out today as well as a new version of iTunes and its kind of forced my hand to redo my iPhone, so as a benefit, I’m making my schedule public.

I don’t think I have much to add, other than if you have a way for me to change what I’m doing, as in with my life or my career, please, please contact me by leaving a comment here, suggestions are welcome until I’m content, and I am not content right now, because “we all save face in the face of our friends, we all bend backwards to make amends, and all make changes that change us cause living with the self hate just won’t do!”

“It’s the caffeine, nicotine, the miligrams of tar, its my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, its my car…” – Atmosphere

That’s a quote from a song called Scapegoat, the whole song is about shit you can blame, which is precisely the name of the game I’ve been trying not to play on here. The reason I try and avoid the blame game when it comes to my problems, is because I like to think that they’re my problems, I have control over them, and the ability to fix them should I so choose, which is mostly right. But there comes a point where no matter how fucking hard you try, how much effort you put in, how many dues you’ve paid, nor how many rites of passage you’ve been through, you still can’t change a goddamned thing in your life.

However, if I did have to choose one thing to blame my problems on? It would still be myself, if I wasn’t such a lazy worthless piece of shit I might have a better education, a better job, a better life. Maybe if I had some goddamned drive in my life I’d have the things I want and be doing the things I want to. But, that’s not the case, and until I change that, I have a feeling shit’s not going to change for me anytime soon.

Worse yet is when you can, but you do it in the worse way, or for the wrong fucking reasons. Don’t deal drugs because, “you’re on the grind”, or “tryin’ to feed my family”, that’s bullshit, there are other ways to do you, to be on the grind, hustlin’, but in a way that can better your future, not in a way that’s going to lead to violence, jail time, and possibly death, then who’s going to look out for your fucking kids? Huh? Also, you probably shouldn’t be moving to another city just to escape, deal with your problems, running away is just going to bring that shit back around at a later date when you’re even less prepared to deal with it.

All I’m saying, is that you’ve got to keep trying, stay up, and not to sound chauvenistic, but be a man, handle your shit, and do all that in the right way. Sure, life’s going to be hard, and its probably going to suck, but when it comes to an end and you and yours have survived, and done so the right way, the honest way, you won’t have anything to regret and you’ll be able to rest your weary eyes in peace. No one will be able to blame that on anyone else but you…

Then make cheap wine! At least that’s what they tell you to do, but in order to make cheap wine you still need a barrel, some water, and a place for it to ferment for a while, a safe place, and trust me, life doest always give you that shit. But me, I’ve been pretty blessed, I’ve been given water, a barrel, and a safe place to ferment and sure enough, cheap ass nasty fucking mad dog 20/20 type shit is what came out the other end.

That’s to say my most valued skill right now is counting people’s money, not mine, it goes about as quick as it comes, but I count other people’s all day long, and that seems to be the only thing I have to offer that todays society desires.

My hope is that if I’m allowed to ferment for a little longer, maybe I’ll be able to produce a more flavorful, valuable wine, without too many tannins, we’ll see, but one can hope that if I keep playing my part for now, and looking for a better part to play, that I’ll find it, and I’ll give society something more than they ask for…

When you were a kid your parents used to always tell you “we’ll see”. As a kid you knew they meant “no”, but it was supposed to give you hope, like as if it was a possibility, and you did hope, you cleaned your room, did the dishes, whatever it took to hopefully convince your parents that you should get whatever it was that you wanted, even though in your parents mind, it was already a no go.

As an adult, you work your ass off, get a good education, do some community service, avoid drug abuse, and even steer clear of problems with the law, all hoping to get your way in life. A good job, a nice family, a nice car, a nice house, some money in the bank account, and maybe, just maybe, some good friends.

An then you begin to venture out in the real world and quickly realize, life has given you a big “we’ll see”. So if you ask me when I’m going to make something of myself, my answer will be, “we’ll see” because not only do I not know, but I don’t care, “make money and die, that’s the American way”, I’m just ignoring the badge the rest of the world puts on my post in life, be it a lawyer or a cashier at walmart, it all ends the same and the level of enjoyment is totally on me, and I gotta say, I’m having a blast most of the time, thanks to all of you.

I keep trying to make moves, preferably in an upward direction and I keep falling short. Professionally I can’t seem to to more than cashier even with a college degree. Interpersonally I can’t seem to keep in touch with a lot of my friends and making new ones is near impossible. Lastly when it comes to relationships I’ve made some pretty horrible decisions, and I’m too much of a coward to make the right ones.

Something’s got to give, preferably soon, otherwise I might as well hook up with a local whore, start doing drugs, cranking out kids, and otherwise fucking up my life, because at least those people seem happy…

No I’m not going to start cutting myself, writing shitty poetry, or wearing women’s pants either!

So I finally got my first check that was over $400, it was 406.18, and that’s for two weeks, fucking cocksuckers. At least I have a job though, which makes me happy every day.

Hopefully I’m headed to the apple store today to get my iPhone switched out, more cracks in the plastic as well as some issues with the SIM card, so hopefully they just switch it out again and I can be on my way.

But I’m sitting here, on my friends porch with a plastic bucket I just bought at the dollar tree, filled with ice and Newcastle brown ale, a pack of black and milds, all for a friend who’s had a bad day at work (and whom I want to bribe into taking me to the apple store, lol) hopefully we go, but if not, hopefully I at least make his day better, because i’m the shit like that.

Anyways, all is well on the homefront, the party was apparently good.

And to the friends and family that read this regularly, I miss you all, and love you too, talk to you later

I see myself growing weary in my old age, I can no longer stand the vast majority of people around me, I want to pack up and move, leave, sell everything I currently possess, save for some clothes and my bed, and head off to major city where I can become lost in the chaos. As each day passes I have fewer and fewer interests I’m vested in here.

It’s not so much that I don’t like the lot of you, it’s more that I’ve matured, mentally, emotionally, and I can’t stand these kid games that you all still play. At some point you all have to grow up, cease with the binge drinking, self-medicating, and hypocrisy. If you can’t go out and have a drink or two at a bar with friends, maybe some intelligent conversation, then chances are you haven’t seen me in a while. Sure, just like anyone else, I get completely obliterated occasionally because I, like you, like the feeling of no feeling, the lack of control you have over anything and everything at that point, and the freedom you feel, but in case you missed it, I said “occasionally”, which doesn’t translate to 3-4 times a week, it’s more like 3-4 times a year. I have shit to do, people I enjoy being around sober, I can’t be running around half drunk, high, or both all the time, it’s just fucking irresponsible. If one of you called me and said, “Hey, let’s go have a drink or two and chat!” I’d be all over that, but when you say “let’s go to the bar” and that almost always translates into drunken states, no, I don’t want to fucking go, plus I can’t stand being surrounded by fucking stupid people, where every single word out of their mouths is just another effort at getting laid.

Also, if sex has become your primary drive for anything you do, you’re doing it wrong. When we are at the point where we’ve devolved back into our considerably less industrious predecessors, where drinking, smoking, fucking, and fighting are considered ways of life, then we need a change. It’s no wonder the U.S.A.’s economy is in shambles, we aren’t inventing anything new, so when we started moving what we considered outdated productions process’ out of the country and nothing new was taking its place, it’s because the potential inventor was too busy bumping and grinding with Sally Noclothes down at the local “club” to the latest Gorilla Zoe song, “I’m Dumb”. Yes, yes you are. Sure, I’m far from the most industrious person, or the most inventive, but I’m learning, I research shit online, look up new technologies, new terminology, I sit at home and try new shit on my computer all the time, so I’m not sitting idle, and I’m not spending every other day at the bar because I believe the lie that I have friends there, and it is a lie, they are just people using each other, if you were in the hospital, at best they might notice your absence, that’s all.

I can give reason after reason why I still don’t have a job using my degree, but the bottom line is that currently, you, my friends and family, are more important to me than such a job, but that becomes less and less the case each and every day I spend hanging out with myself. Sure, I could call each and every one of you each time I have some free time, but you motherfucks have phones too and I haven’t heard my phone ring in a long ass fucking time. I miss and love all of you, and I wish you well, but most of all, I wish you better…

So here is the update, I am still working at walmart, got in touch with my half brother again, and there is some news on the iPhone front.

I know that the first two facts were probably more important, but I care more about the third one than I do the first two. So, iPhone OS 3.0 came out on the 17th, I’ve installed it on my iPhone 3G because my broke ass couldn’t afford the new iPhone 3GS, anyways, I love the new OS, even moreso I would love it if AT&T would get off their lazy fucking asses and let us have the other two features, tethering and mms! Anyways, enough of that rant and more about what I love about the new OS, such as copy and paste, the new spotlight search function, the voice notes app, an there were a few other things too, but the one I like the most, A2DP Bluetooth support so I can finally use my Bluetooth headphones without some stupid fucking adapter!

Also, I’m trying out some new apps, like this official WordPress app, instead of the shitty apps I’ve tried that had “wordpress support”, anyways, that’s all I’ve got for now…

Here’s a little preface, I am a fan of a Hip-Hop Artist, no, not that gangsta rap bullshit, real hip-hop, by the name of Brother Ali, his music has changed my perspective on life in ways I thought only the authors of literary classics could. He is fairly religious as well as being a Hip-Hop artist, and sometimes that really comes out in his music, this is a short letter I just wrote to him, I thought I’d share it with you all…

“What Language do you laugh in?”

I have no clue how you meant this, but I am a huge fan, and this phrase hit me really hard, mainly from a religious angle, I seem to have lost my way, I can no longer contribute to the church(es) I normally attend because as an institution they are failing at their religious responsibilities! The most recent church I attended was a catholic one, while I was still in high school, I went to CCD (religious education for the youth of the church) had my first communion, my first confession, got baptized for the first time, and even got confirmed once I became an adult in the eyes of the church. Then all the corruption started seething from the catholic church and made me question my faith, my religion, my core values, and even whether I believed there was a god at all.

I am still searching, looking for myself and not relying on any church to form my beliefs, but your music, your lyrics, the things you’ve been through, I can’t even say that I can relate to any of them, but they give me hope that there is in fact something bigger, badder, and stronger than me looking out for all our best interests. Back to the lyric I quoted above, one of the things I am seeing more and more as I research different religions and opposing opinions of them, is that at the very core they are trying to do the same thing, make better, more civilized people, give them hope, and guide them on a path of righteousness, it tends to be the institution that messes that up somehow, the religious leadership everywhere I look tend to be more crooked than criminals.

I think when I’m done searching, I’m going to give Islam a try, Allah seems like a pretty straight up guy, and I like that, as for everyone else, I’m just going to do like you said, “I just do what the Qu’ran says to do and respect him”.

Thanks for listening, and if you’ve got anything to help me on my religious journey, I assure you it would be much appreciated, in the meantime, please just keep making music the way you do, regardless of what the detractors have to say

As-Salumu Alaykum,

James Allan Brady

So a couple big things have happened since my last post, the most important one is that I finally got in touch with my half brother again, that honestly made my day, week, month, maybe even year, I missed that squirrely fucker dearly. The second, which sadly wasn’t much of a surprise, Shawnda is now my ex again, she still drives me fucking crazy and I still love her, but I guess even she realized that until I could have the number one spot on her list of priorities it just wasn’t going to work out. When stupid things such as the bar, her drug addict friends, drugs, and promiscuity all ranked higher than me it just wasn’t going to work out, tack onto that her lack of a permanent residence, the constant battle she is having with her ex-husband regarding her kids, her hefty drug/alcohol addiction, and her impending jail sentence and I can begin to understand why she didn’t think she could let me be number one, but if she had at least given me/us a chance and tried to make it work I would have been right by her side trying to fix/mend/prevent everything else negative in her life. Oh well, it’s her loss, well, that’s the update for the day.